6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
