Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
