I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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