I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
