She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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