So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
zippers are such a cool invention
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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