I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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