You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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