I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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