I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The beer is more important than you right now.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize