Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
