There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize