I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
