Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
