If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
