I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize