Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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