While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize