i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
whose parrot is this?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
