Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
