I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
