It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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