when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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