I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize