am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
