Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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