Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
