i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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