So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
