he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Less talking, more tequila
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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