how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
