I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
