evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
