I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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