does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
