Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Less talking, more tequila
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
