Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Are my feet made of real feet?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Randomize
