no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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