I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
