1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
