why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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