I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
