A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
