dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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