I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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