Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
