I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
