i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
