Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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