i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
