I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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