I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize