i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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