Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize