I think I died a long time ago.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
