Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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