be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
