somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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