Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize