Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
