I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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